


Oneirataxia

by always_an_anxious_mess, Ecinue



Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Blood and Injury, Burning, Depressed TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Dissociation, Dream was possessed, Dreamon, Drowning, Exiled TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Hallucinations, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Lonely TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Manipulation, No Beta We Die Like Endermen, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Technoblade Hears Voices (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit Has PTSD (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit Needs a Hug (Video Blogging RPF), Vomiting, screeching our lungs out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:01:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28596630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/always_an_anxious_mess/pseuds/always_an_anxious_mess, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ecinue/pseuds/Ecinue
Summary: Oneirataxia(n) the inability to distinguish between fantasy and reality5 times that he stood on the edge and the 1 time he made a choice.
Relationships: Dream & TommyInnit, Eret & Niki | Nihachu, Eret & Niki | Nihachu & TommyInnit, Eret & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Fundy & Sapnap, Fundy & TommyInnit, Jschlatt & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Niki | Nihachu & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), No Romantic Relationship(s), Philza & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Quackity & Philza, Quackity & TommyInnit, Ranboo & TommyInnit, Sapnap & TommyInnit, Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Time Deo & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Tubbo & Tommyinnit, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit, there's so many fuck it-
Comments: 179
Kudos: 1467





	1. 冰海 || I'm so cold.

**Author's Note:**

> **TW//there are multiple trigger topics with a major theme of suicide. each chapter will have warnings at the beginning.**  
> 
> 
> Disclaimer: Please be aware that everything I write is fictional and by no means supposed to allude to what should really happen. I have no intention of making these creators uncomfortable and if any of the people mentioned here blatantly state that they are uncomfortable with this, I will immediately remove this work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW//suicide, drowning, manipulation, hallucination**
> 
> "冰海" means "Ice Sea" in Chinese.

Every time he awoke, without fail, he would be on the verge of drowning.

The waters near Logstedshire had been his custom waking place and he trudged onto the sand every morning, soaked to the bone. His gray eyes would scan the area, praying that no one was around to see how _pathetic_ he had become.

_(But you wanted people around, didn't you?_

_You want someone here to help you, save you.)_

Dream comes by infrequently to threaten him, manipulate him, taunt him. Sometimes, Tommy lashes back. Sometimes, he stays silent. Most times, he's too tired to care. Every day is routine. He wakes up in the sea, crawls to shore, awaits for Dream to arrive and destroy his stuff, and when his shit is gone and burning, he goes back to mining for new belongings.

Ghostbur's been coming around less and less until he eventually just stopped. After the failed beach party, Tommy quickly accepted that the others simply didn't like him. Not even Ghostbur, a dead being, a figure who could only remember happy things, likes him.

_(Who would like you?_

_Don't joke._

_You don't even like yourself.)_

Times when he's alone in Logstedshire, he almost longs for the era of the Manberg versus Pogtopia war, for the era where a festival was the only thing he was worried about, for the era where an election was dawning tomorrow, for the era where the first war was the only conflict, for the era and days where everything had been less complicated and he had been able to enjoy life peacefully with alive Wilbur and noncorrupted Tubbo.

Sometimes, he lies down and he wonders why he can't get out of bed. As malnutritioned and dehydrated and emaciated he is, he generally was able to get up and go about his day. He wonders why he's so weak. When did he become so weak?

_(How pathetic._

_Weak and pathetic._

_What would the others say?)_

He wakes up one day, drowning, and he clambers his way to the surface. His clothes cling to his skin and his limbs feel so heavy, the water inviting him for a permanent slumber. The sun beats down on him and he squints, vision blurry from the water and the rays of sunlight. He wonders why he even bothers anymore.

Wouldn't it be easier to just end it all?

_(Are you going to do it?_

_Are you going to give up?)_

"TOMMY!"

He snaps out of his thoughts to see Dream glowering at him. He flinches slightly and shuffles on his feet. The voices in his mind seem to scream, demanding for him to kill Dream, to do something, that Dream's his friend. Which of them were telling the truth and which of them were lying to him? "Yes, Dream?"

"Put all your stuff in the pit."

Dream's words were threatening and before he knew it, he had already dumped all of his belongings into the pit. Gaze empty, eyes dull, Tommy watched as Dream lit his earthly possessions ablaze, cackling away whilst he did so. The voices are roaring, demanding for him to do _something_ , to not simply sit there and be idle. There were only two voices. Huh. Technoblade had said there were many.

Did Technoblade lie?

_(It wouldn't be the first time he's lied._

_They all lie._

_You're just too naive to understand,_

_Naive fool.)_

Dream leaves as quickly as he arrives and, for once, Tommy doesn't lament his loneliness. Instead, he embraces it as he stands at the shore of the bay. The sounds of Chirp drift through the air. Is Clara there? He hopes she is. She's the only one that listens to him during these lonely days.

_"Why don't you just drown yourself?"_

Wilbur's voice is tinged with insanity as his words ring through Tommy's mind. The teen turns his head slightly to see Wilbur standing next to him, that dreadful smirk on his face as he stands with his hands shoved into the pockets of his trenchcoat. His beanie is as ragged as ever and the dark bags that frame his eyes make him seem deranged.

_(He was deranged in his final days._

_Did you forget that?_

_Your memory is absolute trash._

_What would Technoblade think?)_

"If I drown...will it stop hurting?" Tommy's voice was frail and quiet, too unlike the boisterous boy that was once himself. War changes a boy, after all. No matter how strong a child soldier is, they are still a child. "Will drowning make it better?"

 _"Yes!"_ Wilbur laughs crazily again. _"That's why I did what I did, Tommy. The pain and voices all went away!"_

Tommy stares out onto the sea longingly. He's so tired. Will he be free? Maybe...just maybe, he was more like Wilbur than he thought. He's tired, so fucking tired of everything. The voices are growing just a little louder, one of them being Wilbur's. Who was the other voice? He doesn't know.

 _"Come on, Tommy!"_ Wilbur calls, standing knee-deep in the water. _"Join me. We can leave this shitty place behind and go somewhere else."_

"Where would we go?"

Wilbur's smile falters and he goes from being Pogtopia-Wilbur to Wilby. For a moment, Tommy wonders where Wilby went during the war but then, mid-thought, Wilbur's insanity seems to return.

 _"We can go anywhere!"_ Wilbur grins uneasily. _"Anywhere you want!"_

Tommy stares at Wilbur before laughing lightly. "Okay."

He wades into the water, shuddering as the cold water soaks into his bare feet, through his ripped trousers, and into the skin of his bony legs. He follows Wilbur until he's waist-deep in the water. It's cold, so eerily cold, but Wilbur doesn't seem bothered by it. That's strange. Wilbur never liked the cold.

_"Tommy? What are you waiting for?"_

Poisonous honeyed words spill from Wilbur's mouth and Tommy wonders how this makes his brother any different from Dream. Dream, who despite claiming to be his friend, is not his friend in any shape or form. He's tired, though, so he allows his knees to buckle and he falls into the water face-first. He turns his body so that he's facing the sky and he ignores Wilbur's insane cackles as he d r o w n s—

_(Running away again._

_Coward._

_...._

_But it's okay._

_You deserve a break from it all.)_

"TOMMY INNIT DON'T YOU DARE DIE!"

His eyes shot open (when did they close?) and he bolts up, gasping and retching and sputtering on saltwater. There's a figure next to him, hovering closely, and fear laced through their body. Tommy blinks through his water-laced eyelashes, rubbing the blurriness away from his eyes. He makes out a face and—

Oh.

 _Oh_.

There stands JSchlatt, or the ghostly apparition of JSchlatt. His mutton chops were prominent as ever and his ram horns curled around his face, golden eyes glinting. However, Tommy couldn't help but notice that this _ghost_ had abandoned the suit that Schlatt usually wore, adopting to adorn a sky-blue sweater instead. Did all ghosts wear more comfy clothes than what they wore when they were alive?

This Schlatt is not the Schlatt that Tommy knew. This is not the same Schlatt as Alive-Schlatt. This is a new Schlatt. Ghost Schlatt. Glatt?

It takes Tommy a moment to realize that Schlatt is talking practically, gesturing towards the shore.

"...on, kid. Come on, kid." Schlatt's repeating. "You can do it. Swim to the shore. It's going to be okay. Come on, kid. You'll be okay."

"S...Schlatt?" Tommy whispers as he wades back towards the shore. "Schlatt?"

"Yeah, it's me, kid," Schlatt tries to reassure, his voice full of warmth and concern. "Come on, just a little further."

Tommy crawls to the shore, still coughing lightly to get the seawater out. Schlatt hovers nearby, keeping a watchful golden gaze on him.

"Why are you helping me?" Tommy asks quietly.

Schlatt frowns. "Why wouldn't I? As much of an asshole as I was during my time being alive, you're still just a kid. I shouldn't have exiled you. You're just a kid. You shouldn't have had to go through all of this shit."

_(Liar._

_All the adults say that._

_Liar._

_Schlatt's the same age as Dream and Techno and Eret._

_Their signature move is betraying and leaving you._

_Liar._

_He's probably not even real._

_Liar.)_

"I see." Tommy's voice barely goes above a whisper and a bitter smile appears. "You're a hallucination, aren't you?"

"Excuse me?!"

"You're just a memory," Tommy mutters, standing up on his shaky emaciated legs and moving towards Logstedshire. "If you're a memory, then the Wilbur that told me to die must also be a hallucination. Fuck, I'm going crazy."

"Kid..."

"Just go away, ghosts of the past," Tommy grumbles, plopping down next to his campfire and starting the fire quickly, warming himself up. "I won't kill myself if you guys fuck off."

Schlatt watches helplessly before turning and fading away.

_(Even hallucinations leave you._

_How pathetic can you be?)_

* * *

Schlatt shivers violently as he returns to the cold of the tundra. It's not snowing, thankfully, and Wilbur is there waiting for him. Ghostbur is all but a facade and Schlatt is the only one that knows.

"What happened?" Wilbur asks quietly, brows furrowed in concern. "You normally never run off."

"Tommy," Schlatt rasps.

Instantly, Wilbur's eyes flash. "Toms? What's wrong with him?!"

"Not good," Schlatt shakes his head in sorrow. "Poor kid thinks he's hallucinating when he saw me. He definitely hallucinated you, or some form of you. And...oh my god, Wil..."

Schlatt hunched over, dry heaving as Wilbur crouched down.

"Schlatt?"

"Wil...he tried to off himself. Kid fucking tried to drown himself."

Wilbur inhaled sharply and the air was silent and tense between them for a moment before Wilbur quickly drew Schlatt in for a hug. "Holy fucking shit."

"If I wasn't there..." Schlatt shuddered. "He'd be dead."

"Thank you," Wilbur cried. "Thank you for saving my brother."

"We have to tell the others. _You_ have to tell the others," Schlatt urged. "He'll die. Dream won't let us near."

Wilbur nodded solemnly. "I know. I'll tell Techno."

Through the tundra, a ghost and a ram with blue wool walked through the snow, heading towards a cottage in the middle of nowhere, a pink-haired man waiting for them at the front porch. In the midst of a small island, far from the other lands, a boy wakes up drowning again.

He swims for the surface.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Eci here!**
> 
> I have provided pain for you all. Are you happy? R is technically my co-author in this and without her, this fic would definitely not exist. Much love~~
> 
> Be warned that my update schedule is slightly different from R. My procrastination and schedule are a lot worse+different, rip.


	2. 灰烬 || My passion burns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW//suicide attempt, hallucination, manipulation, abuse, mentions of starvation, burning, PTSD**
> 
> "灰烬" means "Ashes" in Chinese.
> 
> He/Him pronouns for Tommy.  
> They/Them pronouns for Eret.  
> She/Her pronouns for Niki.

The Nether's heat clings onto his lanky figure as he mines through netherack, searching for more gold. The caves near Logstedshire had been cleaned through, picked to the bone, forcing Tommy to search elsewhere for materials. He couldn't leave Logstedshire, of course not, but the Nether had copious amounts of gold that he could hopefully take without the Piglins noticing.

He was far from the cobblestone bridge but so fucking _close_ at the same time. If he wanted to, he could probably get to the bridge within five minutes. If only he had the energy to sprint that quickly.

He's so tired.

_(Weak and pathetic._

_You've starved plenty of times before._

_This is nothing new.)_

His crude pickaxe slams into the netherack again, yielding some golden nuggets. He grins in delight, tired delight, and quickly pockets the ores. He doesn't remember why he's doing this other than to get armor. Gold armor is measly and incredibly scuffed but it's better than nothing. Lord forbid he wears _leather_ armor. No, he wouldn't do that to cows.

Cows...he winced at the thought. He misses Henry.

_"You know, you're ruining your body."_

What?

"Eret?" Tommy looked up in shock to see the elder man standing there in their regal attire. A crimson-red top and black trousers were adorned and Tommy was not surprised to see the signature black shades on Eret's face. "What are you doing here?"

 _"No reason,"_ Eret grimaced. _"Simply...wandering around."_

Tommy lifted an eyebrow in confusion but didn't push any further. "Okay. Just don't get in my way."

_"I would never."_

They travel through the wastelands together, Eret a steady presence that kept Tommy grounded in reality. It was...nice. Tommy had forgotten what it felt like to have a comforting presence nearby, one that wasn't the suffocating pressure of Dream and the nauseating innocence of Ghostbur. He had forgotten a lot of things.

 _"Have you eaten?"_ Eret asks quietly as they near the portal to L'manberg. _"You're...thin."_

Tommy frowns and looks down at himself. "I ate yesterday.

Eret doesn't say anything and the two of them reach the cobblestone bridge. Longingly, Tommy steps forward, reaching for the portal, only to flinch back when he remembers Dream's warning.

_(Stupid green man._

_Scary green man._

_Eyes of poison._

_Manipulative mask._

_Run away.)_

_"Are you alright?"_ Eret asks quietly.

Tommy doesn't answer him, opting to stand at the edge of the bridge and gaze down at the lava mourningly. It looks warm. He wonders how it'll feel to just take a swan dive off and bathe in lava. He's been contemplating that for a while.

 _"You should just jump!"_ Niki's voice filters through and Tommy looks to his right to see Niki standing there, her bright smile not quite reaching her cold eyes. _"If you jump, you'll be free, right?"_

"I don't know," Tommy mumbles. "I think? I don't want to become a ghost, though. I just want to leave. I don't want to feel any more pain."

 _"Well, if you jump, you'll be free!"_ Niki gestures to the lava. _"You'll die and you won't ever have to feel again! I'll even jump with you! It's warm, isn't it?"_

Tommy takes a tiny step forward but falters when he sees the distance. Niki's still urging him on, trying to reassure him that everything will be fine once he jumps. Tommy looks to his left to see Eret standing there, silent.

"Eret?" Tommy calls tentatively.

_(They don't care._

_They never do care._

_Nobody cares until it's too late.)_

Eret's shoulders are stiff. They're...stressed. _"You can make your own choices, Tommy, but trust me when I say that suicide isn't worth it."_

 _"Eret, what are you saying?!"_ Niki growls. _"Don't you see?! If he jumps, everything will be fine!"_

 _"Suicide is not the answer, Niki!"_ Eret hisses. _"There are people that love him, that need him! There's more to life than wars and torture! He can still live!"_

_"Not here!"_

_(Loud loud loud._

_Make them leave._

_Make them shut up._

_Scream at them._

_Just like what Wilbur used to do to you.)_

Their words are jumbling together, pouring over each other, tangling together. Words of poison, words of honey, words of hatred, words of caring, words of agony, words of pity, he wants it all to _stop_ and for them to _leave_.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

His outburst silences the apparitions of Niki and Eret and the loudness of the Nether. His ears are ringing and Tommy whimpers quietly, crumpling to his knees as his hands reach up to shield his ears, fingers digging into his scalp and temples. He's hyperventilating and he can feel Eret move to stand next to him.

 _"Let's go, Tommy,"_ Eret murmurs. _"Let's go back to Logstedshire."_

Tommy shivers before spitting, "Fuck off."

He stumbles to his feet and wipes his eyes quickly before taking off towards the direction he had come from, not sparing the bridge a single glance.

 _"You should stop doing that, you know,"_ Eret sighs. _"The lava won't help you."_

"I know. Still...it calms me."

_(Liar.)_

* * *

"Niki! You can't be serious!"

"I'm as serious as I could possibly be, Eret! I have no more love for this nation! I have no love for a nation that has given me nothing despite everything I've given it!"

The two of them stood in the nether bridges above the main portal, arguing heavily. Eret ran a hand through their hair in frustration, disbelief coursing through their veins. "Niki, if you destroy L'manberg, you're just as bad as Wilbur."

"So what?" Niki threw her hands up in frustration. "I'm so done with everything!"

"Blowing it all up won't do any good!"

"As if staying-"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

The resounding shout echoed around the chasm and the duo turned sharply to see Tommy trembling on the cobblestone bridge, curled up on his knees and his hands covering his ears, digging into his scalp. Niki gasped slightly and Eret blanched.

"He looks terrible! What happened to him?!" Niki whispered.

"I don't know," Eret responded quietly, narrowing their eyes, "but it doesn't look good."

Tommy appeared to cry and mumble to himself before his eyes dimmed significantly and before Niki and Eret could make their presences known, he stood, hastily wiping his tears away. He continued to mumble quietly to himself, leaving the bridge and disappearing behind a certain section.

Niki and Eret watched him go helplessly.

"Exile hasn't been good to him..." Eret murmured in horror.

"Did you see his eyes?" Niki shivered. "They looked dull. It almost...it almost reminds me of Wilbur before the explosions."

Eret glanced at Niki worriedly. She still didn't know that Wilbur was dead. If she already thought of rebelling, what would happen if she found out that Wilbur was dead?

"Come on, Niki," He tugged her slightly. "Let's just...let's just go back for now."

"Are you serious?! We have to help Tommy!"

"And risk Dream hunting our asses down?!" Eret hissed. "I'm not letting that happen!"

Niki glared and huffed before hopping down and disappearing through the portal. Eret sighed in frustration and exhaustion, glancing at the cobblestone bridge for a final time before leaving through the portal.

Back at Logstedshire, Tommy steps out of the Nether portal and sits down on his bed, gently putting his new armor away. Eret stays with him the entire way, whispering soft words of encouragement as Tommy goes to sleep. Tomorrow, Dream will come to torment him again. Tomorrow, he will wonder if maybe he should've jumped. Tomorrow, Eret won't be here.

But those are tomorrow's problems.

For now, Tommy sleeps with the presence of Eret nearby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Ello, Eci here~** I originally had this finished earlier but then laptop crashed, AO3 didn't save, and I lost 1k words. So now y'all get a scuffed beginning, subpar middle, and a semi-pog end. TTwTT I'm sorry.
> 
> Might start writing my Original Work fic (like an actual one that I've been planning) in...late Jan? Early Feb? We'll see. Been busy recently.


	3. 荣誉 || The blades of glory (and tragedy).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THE TRIGGER WARNINGS IN THE BEGINNING NOTES ALONG WITH THE WORK TAGS! THIS IS A TRIGGER-HEAVY CHAPTER!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW//suicide attempt, hallucinations, manipulation, abuse, PTSD, self-harm, blood, self-deprecation**
> 
> "荣誉" means "Honor" in Chinese.

Two weeks later and Logstedshire is a mess. Without Ghostbur around, the campsite had fallen into disarray. The tent was in shambles, messily repaired from wool that Tommy had crafted with some spare string. The campfire was dying, the embers barely flickering, and the surrounding area was riddled with splatters of blood and creeper holes.

It was a pitiful sight.

Tommy wakes up that morning underneath the waves of the sea, the water suffocating his lungs. For a moment, he's tempted to stay, but Schlatt's voice rings through his ears and he forces himself to swim upward for the surface. When he breaches the waves and greedily gulps in breaths of fresh air, he can't help but notice the gray clouds in the sky, signs that a storm was brewing.

He sighs quietly and prepares himself to go to the Nether today. He picks up his crudely forged golden chest plate and pickaxe, strapping his stone sword to his side, and heading through the portal, praying that Dream wouldn't come by whilst he was in the other realm.

The moment that he stepped through the portal, the blasphemous heat of the Nether slammed into him, quickly drying his clothes and heating his skin. It didn't matter, though. He was still shivering. The cold had long since seeped into his bones and showed no signs of leaving.

He doubted that he would ever feel warmth again.

_(Pitiful boy._

_And you wonder why people pity you._

_You're more like Wilbur than you think, Tommy.)_

The mobs of the Nether are behaving strangely but he hardly notices. No, he's far too tired to notice. If he had been paying attention, maybe he would've noticed that the blazes in the fortresses that he passed by merely turned away and floated aside, as if his presence would drain their warmth. If he had been paying attention, maybe he would've noticed that the wither skeletons stayed far away from him, as if he was about to attack them and kill them. If he had been paying attention, maybe he would've noticed that the ghasts that flew overheard didn't register his presence. If he had been paying attention, maybe, just maybe, he would've noticed that all the piglins seemed to give him glances of pity and wariness.

Alas, he does not notice any of this.

_(Did you not notice or did you ignore them?_

_What a sorrowful child you are._

_Such a pitiful child that even the mobs of the world have noticed your misery.)_

He drifts through the Nether aimlessly before returning to Logstedshire. He's rather tired, he thinks, but he can't sleep now. No, if he's correct, then Dream should be coming by soon. He doesn't want to make Dream angry. He's too tired to deal with an angry Dream.

_(You can never please Dream.)_

True to his predictions, Dream shows up soon, around midday. His porcelain mask seems a little dirtier and more scuffed as if he was in a brawl before coming here. Tommy makes no mention of it. There is no need to mention someone else's imperfections. Doing so will only get him beat. That was a lesson that he had learned quickly before he met Phil and a lesson he had forgotten in the war and a lesson he had instantly relearnt after his time in exile.

"Hello, Tommy." Dream greets him pleasantly like he always does. It's not the first time that his voice oozes with poison. It's a poison that doesn't belong to Dream, a poison that taints the Admin the way that a demon would with ichor. "It's been a while, no?"

Normally, Tommy would argue back. Today, however, he is far too tired to deal with that. Instead, he nods and turns back to sharpening his stone sword. "Yes. It's been about a week or so since you last visited. You told me that you were busy."

"Well, you know the schedule of an Admin," Dream barks a laugh, "always busy and working, no time for rest. You should be grateful that I'm even sparing time to spend with you."

"Of course."

The blond teen's response is short, dull, and clipped. He's too tired to deal with Dream's manipulations today and too tired to try and decipher what is wrong with Dream. Perhaps, when Ghostbur returns for another visit, he'll send a letter to Phil. He won't get a reply, obviously, but Phil would know more than he does.

~~He's never gotten a reply from Phil. It's okay.~~

_(How pathetic._

_Not even Phil, the man who's known for fostering, wants you._

_Nobody wants you.)_

"So what do you plan to do today, Tommy?" Dream asks happily. "We can go to the Nether, go mining, anything!"

Tommy's dull eyes flicker over to Dream. "I already went. There's no point in going. There's a storm coming; I have to prepare for it."

Something about his statement must've set Dream off because his shoulders tensed and his fingers flexed and Tommy knew, he just _knew_ , that Dream was unhappy. The teen tensed as well, bracing himself for the impact that was sure to come. Then, Dream sighed and relaxed his shoulders.

That was not good. Tommy only knows how to handle a scary Dream. He doesn't like to deal with a relaxed Dream. What was he supposed to do?

"Oh, Tommy." Dream's voice is soft and he sounds like he's scolding a foolish child. Tommy supposes that he is a rather foolish child, a child idiotic enough to get himself exiled. "You should've prepared earlier for the storm. Now we have to rush."

An ocean of annoyance crashed somewhere in his mind but the dense atmosphere that was numbness and exhaustion crushed the ocean, leaving Tommy feeling drained.

"It's okay, Tommy," Dream seemed to try and reassure him, "I'm here now. I'll help you get ready for the storm! It's no good if you freeze to death, after all. That's anti-climatic."

_(He doesn't care if you die._

_You don't care if you die._

_Tubbo didn't care if you died when he exiled you._

_You should just die and call it a day._

_It'd make things easier for everyone.)_

Albeit Dream said that they would be getting ready for the storm together, it was mainly Dream that did most of the work. Tommy was simply too malnourished and tired to do anything. He would sit next to the fire, sharpening his sword, eyes glazed over. His eyes were unseeing most of the time and it would often take Dream over half an hour of kicking, yelling, and punching to bring Tommy back to reality. More often than not, though, Tommy would only spiral even deeper into oblivion.

In the end, Dream left in a huff, but not before he fixed up Tommy's tent, dropped off a week's worth of food, and a ratty blanket. It was alright. It's better than what he used to get during the wars. He's used to hunger.

The first few days of exile had been a little more difficult. He had finally started to get back into a healthy eating pattern after the Manberg-Pogtopia war only to be exiled and returned to rations. Now, the hunger pains were so familiar that it was more strange if they _weren't_ present.

That evening, when Dream left, Tommy received his first impulse.

_(Do it._

_It's your punishment._

_Take it.)_

He lifts his sword, his poorly-crafted sword, and presses the blade against his leg, watching in sick fascination as crimson blood dripped down the limb. Intrigued, he repeated his actions until the pain grew too much and he had to stop. He admired his work.

The word "WORTHLESS" was carved into his calf. ~~He ignored the voice that suspiciously sounded like Wilbur crying out in his mind.~~

_(Keep going.)_

The second night was when the rain began and Tommy didn't do anything to his limbs. Instead, he stayed in his tent, huddled with the blanket that Dream gave to him, shivering violently as red seeped through the white wool that was wrapped around his leg. He didn't even notice. He was too used to the blood going through bandages from the war.

It's okay, everything will be okay.

The third night was the night where he embedded the second word, this time on his other calf. It had taken him longer this time, shivering against the cold of the winds outside and crying against the words in his mind as he slowly carved out the word "PATHETIC" in his leg. ~~The cries that suspiciously sounded like Tubbo faded away in his mind.~~

_"You're only torturing yourself."_

The deep voice was familiar and raspy but Tommy only wiped his tears away and snarled, "So what if I am? Not like anybody else would care."

_(Keep going._

_Anything to wash aside the cold._

_At least the blood is warm.)_

Technoblade's apparition stands next to him in his tent, his (former) idol's gaze blank, and hiding concern. Tommy's shivering and his legs are bleeding and it strangely feels like a scenario back in Pogtopia where Tommy had been burned lightly on his feet and he had been hiding in the potato farm when Technoblade found him. There wasn't too much different other than the fact that _this_ Technoblade did not help him. Back in Pogtopia, where Tommy could still refer to Technoblade as "Techie" naively in his mind, _that_ Technoblade had helped.

 _"Is it truly a situation where no one cares or are you deluding yourself into thinking that?"_ Technoblade asks boredly. _"You know damn well that people care about you."_

"If they did, they would've visited," Tommy shot back angrily, tying the white bandages tighter around his legs, setting his sword aside. Technoblade killed his mood. "Besides, you've never visited other than to gloat."

_(You should've kept going._

_You're such a fool.)_

_"I thought you were stronger than this."_

"You clearly thought wrong, then."

Technoblade frowned, expression darkening, and Tommy froze. For a moment, the pink warrior with eyes of rubies was replaced by a green puppetmaster with eyes of poison. Then, Technoblade relaxes and Tommy is able to scoot a few inches away from the warrior. He doesn't want to be hurt again.

 _"You realize that those blades won't help you, right?"_ Technoblade says quietly. _"They'll scar and become trophies of battle and war but they won't help. In the end, you're only hurting yourself."_

"...it makes me feel warm."

There were nearly a thousand reasons why he wanted to continue on the tip of Tommy's tongue and yet that was the only phrase that he could emit.

Technoblade's eyes softened just the slightest amount.

_(He doesn't care._ _)_

_"You've done well, Tommy,"_ Technoblade said quietly, resting a hand on Tommy's hand. The teen startled, looking up with wide eyes. _"Finish bandaging yourself and go to sleep. I'll keep watch."_

_(He doesn't care.)_

"No, you won't," Tommy rasped. "You'll leave and Dream will come and I'll get beat again."

 _"Suit yourself."_ Technoblade smiles. _"I'm the Technoblade of your mind, though. I'll stay if you want me to."_

Tommy looks up at the pink warrior and shivers violently, reaching down to continue bandaging his calves. "Alright...alright. I won't do it again. You'll stay, right?"

_"As long as you need me to."_

_(Lies.)_

* * *

**BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD hi Techno! pogchamp gone sadge _something is wrong_ BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD where dadza E BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD**

Techno paused in his activities, straightening slightly. He had heard the warning. "Chat, quiet. I'm serious."

The voices clamored for attention but eventually settled down, much to his temples' relief. They were always so _loud_ but there was one voice that got his attention faster than any other voice. Sighing deeply and exhaling through his nose, Techno tried to focus on the voice.

"Chat, don't answer if you know that I'm not talking to you," He growled. "Now, that one voice that said something is wrong, would you mind clarifying?"

**BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD holy shit shut up BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD _treasured blood has been spilled_ BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD can you stop E E E BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD**

Instantly, the cogs in his mind went to work. That was not good. A devote follower to the Blood God, he had only ever labeled a select few individuals as _treasured blood_ , blood that was to be spared on his own conscience's demand.

There was Phil _(forbidden from death; on house arrest, impossible)_ , Wilbur _(they failed him; he's already gone)_ , formerly Tubbo _(he stopped being treasured blood the moment that he started working for Schlatt; worthless)_ , and...no—

"Tommy."

**_correct_**

Tommy Tommy _Tommy_. The young boy that was Phil's son, the young boy that was Wilbur's brother, the young boy that was Tubbo's ~~ex~~ ~~-~~ best friend, the young boy that ~~used to~~ idolized him. The young _foolish_ boy that was TommyInnit was his treasured blood. The only treasured blood left that could be spilled.

"How?" Techno managed out.

**BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD probably dream homeless man bullies child BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD _find him_ BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD SAVE TOMMY HELP TOMMY SAVE SAVE SAVE KILL KILL KILL BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD SAVE HIM**

The voices grew louder and the dread in Techno's gut coiled uncomfortably. He had to find Tommy? Glancing out the window, the dread grew larger in sync with the blizzard that danced outside his house. He grimaced. "I can't go now. I won't make it through the snow."

**_hurry_**

"Alright."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Please remember that suicide and self-harm are not, and never will be, the only choice. There are people who love you and care for your well-being and therapists that can help. Please seek help if you are going through these issues. Much love and support are sent to all the readers, from Eci and R.**
> 
> * * *
> 
> Ahhh this is a heavier chapter than normal because I was honestly really looking forward to writing this one, heavily because I was honestly just projecting the whole time. I hope you all enjoyed it and nobody was triggered! ;-; I love you all, keep staying strong! _(Also, this is what you are all getting while we plan the next fic. ;3 )_  
>  \- Eci


	4. 无限 || Wasn't the sky the limit?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TW//suicide attempt, hallucinations, manipulation, abuse, PTSD, self-deprecation, vomiting**
> 
> "无限" means "Unlimited" or "Limitless" in Chinese.

The wind is howling in his ears. It's loud, so damned _loud_ , but he doesn't mind it. After all, he's heard louder. The explosions of L'manberg won't ever leave his memory and he doubts that he could even forget them. The wind is cold as well, biting and harsh, but that's alright. He's felt colder before, he in the echoes of the final war where everyone left him alone.

He sits on the cold cobblestone, swinging his legs slightly, the remnants of Wilbur's trenchcoat on his shoulders and flapping in the wind. His dull eyes gaze out onto the horizon, taking in the dull colors of the sky. The storm hadn't let up but the rain had stopped for a few hours. 

He's so fucking tired.

The ground seems to be beckoning him, cooing at him to take the leap of faith. The sky seems to be rejecting him, pushing down towards the earth. The wind is screaming and slamming against his thin frame, his body swaying from the force of it.

_(They used to say that the sky was limit._

_They lied.)_

Tommy hums quietly to himself, the faint melody of My L'manberg drifting through the air. His sanity dances on the border of snapping and, for a moment, he wonders if this is what Wilbur felt like. The world was slipping from his fingertips and he wanted nothing more than to embrace the feeling of losing himself.

_"Are you going to jump?"_

Phil's voice reaches his ears and he turns slightly to his left to see Phil floating in the air, his wings spread and flapping slowly. His blue eyes are full of sympathy and that dreadful emotion that was known as _pity_. Tommy felt himself bristle at that emotion but the numbness overwhelmed it quickly enough.

"I want to," Tommy confesses quietly, "what of it?"

 _"If you want to, then go for it."_ Phil smiles gently. _"I'll catch you."_

"Really?" Tommy's voice is flat and dull. "You killed Wilbur. How am I supposed to trust you?"

_"I'm your dad. I'll always be here to catch you."_

_(Will he though?_

_Everyone lies.)_

Tommy sighs, casting a longing glance towards the ground. Sometimes, he wished that he had wings. If he had wings, he would've been able to fly away from this place, leave all of his troubles behind, and start somewhere new with no issues. He's so fucking tired.

_"Are you going to jump, Tommy?"_

Quackity's loud voice filters through and Tommy turns to his right to see Quackity floating there, his small wings spread and flapping quickly. His eyes are full of curiosity and sorrow. Tommy's so tired of seeing people concerned about him and yet doing nothing about it.

"I think so," Tommy answers with a whisper, "I want to be free."

 _"You won't be free,"_ Quackity murmurs, _"you'll still be trapped."_

"It doesn't hurt to try."

_(Let's leave._

_Let's be free.)_

_“Why do you want to jump?”_ Quackity asks, tilting his head slightly. 

“I don’t have anything left,” Tommy admits quietly, shrugging with a small, hysterical laugh. “What’s the point in staying if you don’t have anything left to stay for?”

_“You sound like Wilbur.”_

”Maybe Wilbur had the right idea.”

 _"His idea was to blow up L'manberg and himself along with it."_ Quackity's eyes flickered to the ground and then Phil and then back to Tommy. _"Do you intend to do that?"_

"Perhaps," Tommy murmurs, "perhaps."

_(Make a choice.)_

Tommy shuffles to the edge of the cobblestone, watching both winged men from the corners of his eyes. Phil flies in front of him and towards the ground, keeping a soft smile on his face. Quackity reminds high in the sky, concern flickering in his eyes. Tommy swings his legs and huffs.

"Phil...dad?" He calls tentatively.

Phil smiles up at him. _"Yes, Tommy?"_

"You'll catch me...right?"

_"Of course."_

Quackity shakes his head. _"He's lying, Tommy."_

”Why would I take your word over his? He’s my dad.”

_”I...”_

Tommy blocks out what Quackity says next, instead, inching forward, ever so slightly. His heart was racing, threatening to beat out of his chest as he perched precariously up on the tower. Another inch and he’d hit the ground before he had time to breathe. Another inch and everything would be over. Another inch and all the pain would go away.

He’d be free, like Ghostbur. Free from Dream and from this exile and from the nightmares and from the memories. He’d be free.

Just one inch. Just one.

His feet brace against the side of the tower, eyes aimed towards the ground. A lone, singular tear drips down his face.

He wouldn’t be free. Ghostbur wasn’t free. Ghostbur was a shell of what Wilbur was. He was never going to be free, he just wasn’t damn lucky enough.

Phil's expression darkens and he scowls. _"Jump."_

"I can't," Tommy whimpers, "I can't."

_(He's not your father._

_No father is as neglectful as he.)_

The push is unexpected.

Tommy screams, the sound tearing from his sore throat and Phil's expression darkens into a malicious smile before his apparition fades away. Tommy scrambles to grab onto the cobblestone, fingernails digging into the stone. Quackity floats nearby, cheering encouragement, begging Tommy to hold on.

_(Why hold on and not let?_

_Are you a fool?)_

It was hard to continue holding onto the pillar. His emaciated muscles were weak and atrophied and he felt like a twig in a tornado. Still, he grunted slightly and hauled himself up the pillar, collapsing in a heap and panting heavily, shivering in the wind.

Then, as quickly as possible, he removed the blocks, heading towards the ground.

_(You lost your chance._

_You chose to chain yourself to the earth._

_You could've flown.)_

The moment his feet touched the ground, Tommy lurched over and emptied his stomach onto the grass, sputtering and choking as the bile splattered against the earth. Quackity hovered nearby, seemingly unsure how to help. Tommy shuddered and scrambled away from the mess that he had produced, dashing towards his tent and grabbing his blanket. He set the blanket over his shoulders and trembled, curling up on his bed.

 _"Tommy?"_ Quackity called, voice barely above a whisper.

The words didn't register in the blond teen's mind and he merely whimpered, closing his eyes and tugging the blanket closer to him. Everything was suffocating, a terrifying sense of fear and terror and exhaustion that seemed to hold him in its vice grip. He wanted to cry, he wanted to die, he wanted to _leave_.

~~He wanted someone to stay. He wanted someone to help. He wanted someone to trust.~~

_(What a pitiful child._

_Not even his father wants him.)_

* * *

"Phil."

"Quackity."

The ~~scared teenager~~ duck and the ~~grieving father~~ eagle met on the outskirts of L'manberg. Both of them leveled their glares, brown contrasting against blue. Quackity gripped his pickaxe a little tighter and Phil kept a hand on his sheathed sword. They were wary, far too wary of each other.

"What are you doing out here?" Phil all but growled. "I thought you were on very important Vice President duties."

Quackity smirked, ever-so confident in his ventures. "I figured you'd be sneaking off again. Are you going to see Technoblade? You should bring me some time. He's wanted in our nation, after all."

Phil tenses. "Don't you _dare_ harm Techno."

"It's not like I can," Quackity laughs bitterly. "Little bitch is impossible to kill."

The air was dancing with tension and Phil wonders who decided to make Quackity in charge here. He wondered what did Schlatt and Tubbo and _Tommy_ see in this boy who knew nothing except false confidence and loud threats. Internally, he wondered if Tommy had picked up his rashness from this teen.

"Nice wings, by the way," Quackity spun his pickaxe in his hand, "I notice that it got damaged during the explosion of L'manberg."

"My wings' condition is none of your concern," Phil snaps.

Quackity shrugs. "Just saying, you're rather lucky that your wing was damaged by an explosion. Dream doesn't allow flying in this realm. Your wings would've been removed had they not been damaged."

Phil pales slightly and Quackity smiles, a mournful and bitter smile, a smile that shouldn't be on the face of a simple teenager.

"At least you'll be able to fly when they heal. That's good, I suppose. Fly away from here, that is."

"What do you want, Quackity?" Phil asks, suddenly feeling so incredibly drained. "Surely you're not here to just chat?"

"I was just wondering, Phil, why your wings haven't helped the person that needs the most shielding." Quackity's voice is cold and yet soft, distant and yet clear. "You protected Wilbur. You protected Techno. How come you haven't protected Tommy?"

"What?"

"Tommy," Quackity repeated, his eyes not exactly murky and yet not exactly clear. "Why haven't you protected him?"

Phil doesn't know how he's supposed to answer that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Remember that suicide is not the answer. There are more things to life and death is not the way to go. We love you all so much. Keep staying strong, our lovely peeps. You're all so amazing. <3**
> 
> * * *
> 
> IM SORRY IF THIS IS BAD! I WAS MIA AND BUSY SO OFTEN AND I HAVE A REALLY BIG PROJECT BOTH FOR SCHOOL AND MCYT.
> 
> I'm making a MCYT HP fic with R. Look forward to it!
> 
> ~Eci
> 
> ALSO, HUGE SHOUTOUT TO R FOR WRITING A FEW LINES HERE AND THERE! I WAS SO FUCKING STUCK ON THIS.


	5. 孤立 || Can't I come home?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW//suicide attempt, suicide ideation, mentions of starvation, homesickness, hallucination, abuse, manipulation, self-harm mention, scars, PTSD, blood**
> 
> "孤立" means "Isolated" in Chinese.

He's back here again. How did he get here?

Tommy finds himself back on the blasphemous cobblestone bridge in the Nether, gazing longingly at the Nether portal with his dull eyes. The portal that leads to L'manberg, the portal that he's been _forbidden_ from entering, the portal that is the key to solving his isolation. He's tired and cold and lonely and pathetic and worthless and he longs for the validation that he once felt.

The Nether portal's ominous sounds feel like acid through his skin, burning him alive as he helplessly stares at it. He wants to go in, he wants to go in, _he wants to go in—_

He can't go in. Not unless he wants to die.

_(Will anyone even care if you leave?_

_Exactly; no.)_

The voice of his sub-conscience has never been louder than now, screaming at him to make a choice. He doesn't know what to do and, for a moment, he longs for Tubbo with a sinking heart. Tubbo had always been good at making the best choices, that is, he was until he chose to exile Tommy.

That was a shitty decision.

_"You should go through."_

Fundy's standing there, leaning against the obsidian frame of the portal. His fox ears twitched and his orange fur contrasted with his sky-blue L'manberg uniform. Tommy briefly wondered where the uniform had come from; he was almost a hundred percent sure that Fundy had burned the article of clothing that he now adorned.

 _"Tubbo won't mind,"_ Fundy encouraged, _"he's your best friend, after all."_

"Dream will kill me," Tommy muttered, glaring at the portal. "It doesn't matter what Tubbo says if Dream's the one killing me."

 _"Why are you so afraid of Dream?"_ Fundy asks. _"You created L'manberg with Wilbur; it's your home. Why should you listen to what Dream wants?"_

_(He's not wrong._

_Why do we listen to Dream?)_

"Dream's the Admin, the _god_ ," says Tommy quietly. "I can't go against him."

_"You shouldn't go against him."_

Sapnap was standing behind Tommy, sorrow plastered on his face. That's right; Sapnap had been Dream's friend before this whole ordeal. Was Dream Tommy's friend? He doubts it. Something was always off when Dream said that he was Tommy's friend.

"I don't intend to go through the portal, Sapnap," Tommy grumbles, "I just wanted a look."

Sapnap shakes his head sadly. _"You can't lie to me, Tommy. I know that you want to go back to L'manberg just as much as I wish Dream wasn't crazy."_

Tommy paused. Did Sapnap truly think that?

_(Of course not._

_Nobody cares about you.  
_

_Stop lying to them.)_

Tommy steps forward, reaching a hand out for the obsidian frame, wincing at the feeling of the hot stone against his palm. He quickly retracted his hand once he felt the burns set in, cradling the hand to his chest. He keeps an eye on Sapnap; Sapnap is Dream's friend and will most likely return to Dream with his findings if Tommy does anything wrong.

He doesn't want Dream to come back and yell at him.

_(He'll yell at you either way._

_Ever thought of that?)_

_"You have to come back to L'manberg, Tommy."_ Fundy's voice is harsher and more demanding. Tommy watches with slight fear as Fundy's sky-blue uniform morphs away into the jet-black suit that he wore during Schlatt's era. _"Come back and fix everything."_

"I can't," Tommy shakes his head frantically. "I can't. Dream will kill me."

 _"No, he won't!"_ Fundy growls. _"You're literally TommyInnit. With your history in SMP Earth, you've gone to war against Technoblade and came out alive. That happened too during the Manberg vs Pogtopia war. You were against Dream AND Techno and you're still alive!"_

"That's because Dream wasn't actively trying to kill me!" Tommy protested. "If he finds out that I stepped a single toe through that damned portal, I won't see tomorrow!"

_(Fundy's right._

_You're a pathetic coward for not going through._

_Go on, go through.)_

_"Tommy, don't do it,"_ Sapnap pleaded. _"You'll die."_

Tommy shifts closer to the portal subconsciously, instinctively feeling the urge to go through. He longed for his home. "I'm not going to go through."

Sapnap deflates in relief. _"Save yourself, Tommy. If you go through, you'll die."_

 _"FUCK OFF!"_ Fundy roars suddenly. _"Tommy, go through!"_

Tommy recoils in fear and flinches _hard_ as Sapnap screams.

_"Tommy, don't go through!"_

_(Choose one, Theseus._

_Prove them all right with your cowardness.)_

_"Go back to L'manberg!"_ Fundy hissed, fur on end.

 _"Go back to Logstedshire!"_ Sapnap cried, tears streaming down his cheeks.

_"L'MANBERG!"_

_"LOGSTEDSHIRE!"_

_"GO THROUGH!"_

_"STAY HERE!"_

_"WHO CARES ABOUT DREAM?!"_

_"YOU'RE ONLY PLAYING INTO DREAM'S HANDS!"_

"STOP!"

_(Why do we care about any of this?_

_We can just leave._

_..._

_We can just leave._

_Let's leave.)_

Tommy gasped, the hot air of the Nether suddenly feeling incredibly stifling. A realization had hit him, a realization that he hadn't quite thought of previously. How did he not realize?

He was alone now. Techno didn't want him, Phil didn't want him, Wilbur left, Tubbo _exiled_ him...they all left him to Dream, Dream who wasn't even Tommy's friend. The Admin was cruel and manipulative and Tommy doesn't know how much longer he can live under Dream's influence.

He loves his discs. They represent hope and friendship with Tubbo and the others.

What's the point of the discs if they don't want him?

_(There is no point.)_

* * *

Fundy doesn't know why but his fur's been on edge ever since he woke up.

Sapnap doesn't know why but there's a pit of dread coiling in his stomach ever since he left Tommy with Dream.

Fundy wakes up that morning and runs to the bathroom to vomit. His instincts are on fire, telling him that something is so very _wrong_. He aimlessly goes to Niki's bakery and can't even manage to keep a single pastry puff down without bile crawling up his throat. Something is wrong and every time he looks at his communicator and the bench on the hill, the feeling only gets worse.

Sapnap left Tommy with Dream and guilt dances in his veins. He noticed the dullness of Tommy's eyes, the tense fear lacing Tommy's limbs, the defeated sound of Tommy's voice. Dream was doing something, something that was killing Tommy's spirit, something that Sapnap didn't want to believe Dream was doing. Still, he hoped that Tommy would be okay. He hoped that Tommy would bounce back to normal despite the dread that told him that that wasn't the case.

Fundy hopes that Tommy will return to L'manberg soon. If Tommy came back, Ghostbur might stop asking about why Tubbo's so sad. If Tommy came back, maybe he and Niki could talk things out and he could help cure her insanity. If Tommy came back, maybe Tubbo wouldn't be wilting. if Tommy came back, maybe L'manberg could thrive with brightness again.

"Come back, Tommy," he whispers to himself when he passes the bench, "come back and save your nation. You created this place, you have a right to be here."

Sapnap hopes that Tommy will stay at Logstedshire for his own safety. If Tommy stayed, Dream would be happy and he wouldn't be consistently stressed over Tommy running rampant. If Tommy stayed, Technoblade and Philza would stay away from L'manberg, learning to keep to themselves. If Tommy stayed, nobody would go rushing to Dream regarding complaints about Tommy's antics again. If Tommy stayed, Dream wouldn't kill him.

"Stay there, Tommy," he whispers to the skies when he passes the L'manberg Nether portal, "stay there and save yourself. If you come back, you'll only die to Dream's hands."

They hope that Tommy will be okay. ~~They hope that everything will go back to normal.~~

**_too late_**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Suicide and self harm is not the answer. Please seek help if you find yourself slipping into a depressive state. We wish the best for all of you and people DO care so please try your best to get help. Stay strong, loves. You're all so strong and amazing. Always caring, R and Eci.**
> 
> * * *
> 
> I have really bad commitment issues when it comes to fanfiction so I apologize for these late updates. I just cannot cram out fic ideas into words like superb quickly like some others can. Legit speaking, I have banger ideas but when it comes to writing the actual fics, holy shit my fingers go slower than 1 bar wifi.
> 
> I'm actually pretty excited to write the next (and last) chapter of this fic cause it was the chapter I've been longing to write for ages. :DDD Has one of my favorite characters to write in it.
> 
> Please be patient with me, though! I have plans for it but midterms are starting in ONE DAY for me so I'm very stressed out. Love you all, hope you enjoyed this~~
> 
> _Eci <3_


	6. 宁静 || Did you miss me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW// mentions of suicide, suicide ideation, self-harm, hallucinations, manipulation, abuse, blood, PTSD**
> 
> "宁静" means "Tranquility/Peaceful/Serenity" in Chinese.

He's sitting on the bench.

The sun's beams are glistening and the sun itself is dropping slowly down the horizon, the moon rising behind him to illuminate the world with its silver rays. He's hunched over on the bench, his elbows on his knees, and the waltz of Mellohi dances through the air. He had never been one for proper posture, unlike his best friend _(brother_ _)_ who sits next to him.

The young ram-hybrid is humming quietly along to the rhythm of Mellohi, his legs swinging above the ground. It's quiet between them and words don't really need to be said between them. Yet, for some reason, the ram chooses to speak.

"Are you really going to leave?"

Tommy's dull eyes blink owlishly for a moment before he shrugs. "Yeah. There's nothing much left for me in these lands anymore."

"Not even me?"

"You exiled me."

"I didn't have a choice."

Tubbo looks defeated and muted, too tired for a teenager. Tommy's sure that if he ever chose to look in a mirror, he would look the exact same way, too tired and overwhelmed for a teenager and holding the weight of the world on his bony shoulders.

"You always have a choice, Tubbo," murmurs Tommy, "you just happened to choose Dream over me."

"I chose L'manberg over you, get it right." Tubbbo's voice is quiet and his ram ears are dropping. He looks taller in the time that Tommy has been exiled. It feels like time has passed by so quickly. "I didn't want to exile you but the nation needed time away from you."

Anger swelled within Tommy but it quickly died down when Tubbo sniffed, tears dripping down his cheeks. Tommy looked away pointedly, not wanting to see his friend cry. He could never stand seeing Tubbo cry; it had always been too painful.

"So you're really leaving?" Tubbo asks quietly.

"There's no point in me staying anymore."

"What about your discs?"

Tommy faltered and hunched over even further. "I...I don't want to leave them behind but I trust that you'll take care of them."

Tubbo wipes his tears away and Tommy stands.

"I'm sorry, Tubbo," he whispers, "but I'm leaving."

He spins on his heel and walks away from the bench, into the darkness behind the bench, leaving Tubbo alone with the waltz of Mellohi in the air and falling sun. They don't talk about Tubbo's tears of acid and Tommy's tears of ice. They don't talk about the falling sun that is Tommy's passion. They don't talk about how Mellohi is faltering.

The ground splits and crumbles and Tommy falls.

Tommy wakes up underwater at Logstedshire. He swims for the surface. There is no time to dwindle. As he breaches the surface of the water, he inhales sharply, taking in the oxygen and relieving his suffering lungs. The sun is barely up and dawn is just arriving.

He has so much to do.

* * *

The first letter is the hardest to write.

He decides to address this letter to Wilbur and then immediately crosses that option out. It's too hard to address it to Wilbur. He decides to address it to Niki instead.

He loves Niki. The big sister that he never had biologically, she had always been there for him and Tubbo. Pastries, warmth, hugs, reassurance, Niki had always been there when they were suffering. Recently, she seemed more subdued, more tired, angrier. He longs to see her again, to apologize for his chaotic nature, to learn how to bake a cake with her, to go make flower crowns together. He misses his sister.

_(She doesn't miss him. She hates him.)_

The second letter is to Fundy, his nephew, the fox, the poor child that was neglected over and over again. Tommy was never a good uncle and he doubts that he'll ever be a good uncle given how much chaos and death he's caused. Dream was right in a sense; nothing good ever comes with being with Tommy. Fundy was no exception and Tommy apologizes over and over again in his letter.

_(As if Fundy even remembers him.)_

He finishes the second letter, takes a deep breath, and continues on. The emotions are overwhelming and halfway through Purpled's letter, he thinks that he starts to cry, but he presses on. He has to finish these. He writes and he writes and he writes until it feels like his fingers are going to break, until the quill is fraying, until his heart feels like it's about to burst.

The last letter is for Tubbo. It's the longest letter. He hopes that Tubbo reads it.

He leaves the letters in a chest at Logstedshire, hidden beneath the folds of his tent. Nobody will find it unless they come looking for him and he plans to keep it that way. He needs as much time as he can get if he wanted to leave. He has to leave quickly and he thanks the heavens that Dream had visited yesterday, giving him at least a few days to leave.

Dream never visits him in days adjacent to each other. ~~He doubts anyone ever would.~~

He goes to the village near Logstedshire, a village with barely any villagers, a village where all the villagers avoid him on Dream's orders. It's okay; he expects this. He lingers in the shadows and waits, watching, observing. He nicks a saddle from one of them and returns to Logstedshire just in time to be slammed with rain. He grimaces, hiding in the wooden hut for now.

_"Stealing isn't good, muffin!"_

Bad's voice reaches his ears and Tommy forces the panic to crawl back down his throat. He looks to the side to see Bad's disapproving gaze and Skeppy standing behind Bad with his arms crossed over his chest. They seem angry, annoyed, exasperated.

"I have to," Tommy croaked, cradling the saddle in his hands, "I need it to leave."

 _"This is how every damn war starts,"_ Skeppy grumbles, _"it's all from your troubles."_

Tommy bites his lip and looks away, moving to pack his little belongings. He doesn't want to listen to them, doesn't want to listen to their condescending words which cut through his bones and strike his soul. He watches the rain splatter against the crowd and inhales sharply. He has to go.

Moving past Bad and Skeppy, Tommy tries to ignore the sad look that Sam gives him, the creeper hybrid standing at the doorway. Sam had been nothing except kind and for a moment, Tommy wishes that he chose to run to Sam instead. Instantly, he shook that thought away. He would be nothing except a burden for Sam and trouble follows him everywhere in the SMP's lands. He shudders and moves away from Sam, heading out the door and back into the cold rain.

 _"Stay safe, Tommy,"_ Sam calls quietly, _"stay safe and stay alive."_

Tommy doesn't answer him. He doesn't tell Sam about how he's never safe. He doesn't tell Sam about how he doesn't want to be alive. He doesn't say anything; he just moves past Sam and into the rain, his satchel slung over his back, stone sword at his side.

He finds a horse and he names it Horse Henry, a homage to his fallen cows. Faintly, he laments the loss of his cows, his favorite companions that had been taken from him far too soon. He wonders where Henry is now; is he happy? Tommy doesn't know.

Ponk and Punz are next to the horse, staring at Tommy with cold indifference. Ponk turns away first, disappearing into the distance. Punz is next, giving Tommy a once-over and a slight nod before following Ponk into the horizon. Tommy's confused but he doesn't call out to them.

He's leaving. He's made up his mind. The ghosts of his past can't change his mind. ~~Can they?~~

* * *

The storm hasn't let up in the past week but Techno can't wait any longer. The voices _(chat)_ has been incredibly insistent that he gets to Tommy soon and he finds himself concerned for the blond teen. Nobody has seen him and the last anybody heard about him, Dream had said that Tommy didn't want any visitors. Chat had heavily disagreed and now, Techno finds himself trekking through the wilderness, nearing Logstedshire with Phil on his heels.

"Is that..." Phil trailed off, looking in horror at the horizon. Techno glanced up and the dread that churned in his gut became an entire tsunami, threatening to overwhelm him. There, hauntingly shadowing Logstedshire, was a cobblestone pillar. "...he didn't."

"He wouldn't," Techno croaked out but the words fell flat. They were both rushing, running towards the site. Surely not; Tommy didn't jump, right? He wouldn't jump.

_**BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD oh no WHERE'S TOMMY is that dream E E treasured is gone BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD this is not good BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD SHUT UP WITH THE CHANTS E E omg shut up** _

Yet again, the voices were loud and unhelpful, but they were right. Tommy was nowhere in sight and from the looks of things, he hadn't been at the camp for a while. Dream stood at the bottom of the pillar, his mask covering his face, his stance stiff and taut with fury.

"Dream!" Phil called. "Where's Tommy?"

"I don't know," Dream replied easily, albeit Techno could detect the frustration in his voice. "I just got here and saw the pillar."

_**LIAR LIAR LIAR PILLAR NOT TOMMY'S LIAR KILL GREEN TELETUBBY he jests LIAR KILL BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD KILL THE HOMELESS MAN** _

"Dream, surely you're not lying in _my_ presence, correct?' Techno's voice is dark with anger and suspicion.

"Of course not!"

"Wait." Phil's voice cut through and he lifted the folds of the tent to reveal something. Specifically, a chest. Dream's fist clenched and Techno flitted his eyes down discreetly, warily watching Dream in case the other tried anything. Something was wrong and he would get to the bottom of it.

Phil removed the paper on the top of the chest first before opening it. Techno walked over, keeping a hand on the chest to ensure that Dream didn't try anything suspicious. Phil shakily read the paper aloud and with every word, Techno felt his heart drop.

"Hello dickwads, it's Tommy. If you find this and you're someone I know, congrats. If you find this and you're someone I don't know, fuck off." Phil laughed quietly for a moment. That sounded exactly like something that Tommy would say. "Long story short, I left. There's nothing left for me in the SMP Lands anymore. Tell Tubbo I'm sorry and give him his letter from me. I'll miss him and my discs but leaving is the best thing for everyone. I'm sorry."

Phil _sobbed_. It was a broken sob, one that could only emulate grief and guilt and sorrow. Techno looked away out of respect and blanched slightly when he saw that Dream had his admin panel open, searching for Tommy.

"He left my lands," Dream hissed. "I swear when I find him I'll—"

"You'll what?" Techno growled, standing to his full height, eyes glinting. "Finish that sentence and train of thought and I'll ensure that you no longer have your head."

_**DEATH BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD KILL KILL BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD DEATH DEATH KILL THE TELETUBBY** _

"Tommy has caused nothing except chaos in my lands!" Dream roared, gesturing to the ruined Logstedshire. "He deserves to be punished!"

"He's only a _child_!" Phil protested, clutching the paper to his chest like a lifeline. "You have ruined your own life by clinging to a teenager and punishing him unfairly!"

"He needs to learn a lesson!" 

"Through torture?!"

Dream stiffened, hand tightening around his ax. Techno noticed this and instantly, the chat went into high alert.

_**BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD KILL MURDER PROTECT PHIL KILL DREAM BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD PROTECT PHIL BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD KILL KILL KILL PROTECT PHIL KILL DREAM BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD** _

"You've been rather obnoxious since you've arrived in _my_ lands, Philza," Dream said, voice quiet but not soft. "Perhaps this is where Tommy got his habits from."

Phil's wings puffed up slightly, mostly out of caution rather than fear. "You've been orchestrating most of the events, Dream. I've hardly done anything."

"Well, I forgot to account for some things..." Dream mused, gazing at Phil's wings. "How about we resume our session from last time?"

Phil froze.

"Instead of _snipping_ , we should opt to just do some _chopping_ —"

Techno's eyes drifted to the jagged line of Phil's flight feathers and the voices roared. His vision turned ready and his blood thrummed. Justice would be served.

_**BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD** _

In a flash, he was in front of Dream, swinging his sword towards the green man. The admin dodged quickly, as Techno expected. Dream was fast, definitely, but Techno had more brute strength than Dream. He might be slower but in a game of strength itself, he would win.

_**BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD KILL LEFT LEFT KILL LEFT BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD** _

Dream tried to swing for Techno but the latter easily dodged, swiping for Dream's left and drawing blood, causing the admin to cry out. Phil stood in the back, not wanting to get into the fight. Fights between Dream and Techno would only end in bloodshed and if he interfered, he would only distract Techno.

_**RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT** _

Techno ducked right and jutted his sword forward, nearly piercing Dream's ribs had it not been for the Admin's speed. Dream cursed and tried to swing his ax but Techno countered it, the clashing of the two netherite metals echoing through the air and grinding against their ears.

 _'The hell do I do now?!'_ Techno hissed internally to his chat.

_**BE CAREFUL RIGHT GO RIGHT DUCK JUMP LEFT WHO KNOWS BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD**_

_'Not helpful!'_

_**destroy his mask with your ax** _

He had forgotten; his ax was still here.

A feral grin spreads across his face and Phil's eyes widen. "Techno, wait—!"

It was too late. The Axe of Peace was already swinging upwards, slicing clean through Dream's porcelain maks, shattering it. Dream startled and Techno stabbed his sword through the man's gut, causing Dream to screech with pain. The mask gave way and Dream's eyes were revealed, the glowing lime color quickly fading away to exhausted emerald green. There was a strange shriek that echoed through the air and the mask seemed to crumble before their very eyes.

Dream trembled on the ground for a moment, appearing disoriented, before he turned to Techno. "Thanks."

Techno lifted an eyebrow in confusion.

"I'll explain when we get back to L'manberg," Dream croaked, standing up shakily only to stumble forward, falling straight into Phil's arms. "Shit..."

"You, young man, have a lot to explain," Phil grumbled. "Come on, let's go to L'manberg."

A ping arrived on their communicators and Dream paled.

"No," he whispered, "no no no."

Phil looked down and froze. The message was blatantly written there and Techno felt his heart drop. The voices began to roar in confusion.

_**we were too late** _

* * *

Traveling alone is lonely, lonelier than he would've ever imagined.

He has Horse Henry by his side, his only remaining companion, and he wonders how everything came to be. If he digs deep enough, he can still recall the days where he was fine and happy. It all seems like so long ago now. He wonders what happened.

Sometimes, when he stares at the sky while laying on Horse Henry's back, he can see Phil and Quackity flying about. Quackity does happy little tricks in the sky whilst Phil scouts elegantly like the angel he appears to be. More often than not, Phil takes off without even a single glance at Tommy, too busy with his own things. Quackity stays more often than Phil but he only descends if Tommy is in a joyous mood.

Sometimes, when he's foraging for food, he can feel Fundy's presence next to him, helping him identify which ingredients are edible and which aren't. It's strange; he doesn't ever recall having bonding moments with the fox hybrid. Occasionally, when she's in a good mood, Niki shows up to remind him about how to cook. Somedays, she's kind Niki and she's gentle and patient. Other days, she's scary Niki who chastises him. ~~Those days, he sees Dream instead of Niki.~~

Sometimes, when he wonders if he should give up, Eret shows up and tries to cheer him up with encouragement. Eret had always been kind before they were a traitor; their redemption arc only showcased it more. Sometimes, when Tommy wanted to call it a day and take a plunge, Sapnap and Quackity would show up to joke around with him.

Sometimes, when he's fighting off the mobs in the midst of the night, he swears that he can feel Technoblade's presence next to him, whispering advice and warning him of advancing enemies. Sometimes, when he wakes up screaming from night terrors, he can hear Wilbur's quiet humming lull him back to sleep. Sometimes, when he's shaking and unresponsive, he thinks that he can hear Schlatt's reassurances in his ears.

Traveling alone is lonely.

It takes him three days to reach the borders of the SMP Lands, far away from Dream's reach. There's a portal, an old portal, a familiar portal. He remembers it so well, so very well. It was the portal that the originals had all used to get through and into the server. Tommy and Wilbur had come through this portal into Dream's lands and traveled to the Greater SMP. ~~Phil had come through this portal and flew like never before to get to his sons.~~ Now, he stares at the runes with dull eyes and forlorn.

 _"Please don't leave, Tommy!"_ Tubbo and Ranboo are pleading with him.

"I have to," he croaked, "there's nothing left here."

 _"I'll release your exile, Toms,"_ Tubbo whispered, _"just come home."_

 _"You can stay with Techno or Sam, Tommy,"_ Ranboo murmured, _"just come back."_

He doesn't respond to them. If he does, he doesn't know if he'll be able to leave. He looks at the portal sorrowfully and sees a younger version of himself standing there. That Tommy is no longer the Tommy that he is now. Ice-blue eyes meet stormy gray and the older Tommy cracks a smile.

"Do you think I'm making the right choice?" He asks. "By leaving?"

His younger self pauses for a moment, glancing at the apparitions of a crying Tubbo and a mournful Ranboo. Then, he smiles and nods. _"Yeah. I think that leaving is a good choice."_

"I'm leaving them all behind, though," Tommy sighs.

_"The bay will help you. They've always had."_

Tommy smiles. "You're right."

He steps to the portal, allowing all of the apparitions of his friends to fade away. Softly, he murmurs a last phrase to the winds before stepping through.

"I'm sorry I'm leaving. It was never meant to be."

**TommyInnit has left the game.**

* * *

Techno, Phil, and Dream stumble to L'manberg in a mess of limbs and rushed emotions only to be greeted by hostility and panic from the others. Puffy's out of her mind with worry, nervously chewing on her hoof as she glances over the three of them.

"Do you know what happened?" She presses. "Please tell me you do. Tubbo's _devastated_ right now."

"Just tell everyone to meet up at the community house," Dream croaked, barely standing upright. "I have so much to explain."

"Stop sounding like you're 80 and stand up straight," Techno grumbled as they headed down towards the community house. "Gods, I hate this place sometimes."

"So you're telling us that the mask was a Dreamon and he took over you during this whole time?"

Now that Sapnap said it aloud, it sounded hilariously unbelievable but Dream only nodded solemnly. Everyone has gathered around in the community house, all of them giving Dream varying stages of glares. George and Sapnap were hovering nearby, not sure what to do. The BadLands faction was near the door, Bad and Ant looking crass whilst Skeppy held a stoic expression of indifference. Sam was a few inches away, the only one with even an ounce of concern on his face out of the four.

The L'manberg faction was all divided through the room. Niki and Jack stood at the side, seeming to be furious that Tommy had left, whilst Puffy and Eret crowded near Quackity, Fundy, Tubbo, and Ranboo, acting as shields for the four. Techno and Phil were near Dream and Ghostbur sat on the ground next to them, brushing his hands through Friend's blue wool.

"That doesn't explain why Tommy left," Puffy mumbled.

Dream sighed. "Tommy left because of the trauma that was caused by Nightmare whilst my body was in his possession. Tommy was traumatized from everything that happened here and he chose to leave to recuperate. It's honestly for the greater good that he left considering how badly his mind was screwed up."

"Are you trying to pin the blame onto Nightmare for your actions?"

"Of course not." Dream leveled his own glare against Punz's. "I am aware that it is my fault as an Admin that I didn't take the necessary precautions against Dreamons and I am aware that it is my fault that I failed to keep Nightmare in control after knowing about him. I should've exorcised him immediately but my own greed overwhelmed me."

"If you're an Admin, you should bring Tommy back," Niki grumbled, Jack nodding in agreement. "He needs to be held accountable as well."

Multiple glares were directed to the duo but Tubbo only sniffed, standing up with pain in his eyes.

"How can you say that?" He cried.

Niki winced. "Tubbo, please, he's caused so much damage and chaos. He needs to be held—"

"You don't understand anything!" He screamed, taking a step forward and causing Niki to take a step back, the girl flinching slightly. "None of you understand! None of you understand the absolute shitstorm that me and Tommy have been through! How dare you blame Tommy when you guys all did jack crap and only encourage the disasters?!"

He's sobbing and he turns away from them and stumbles to Friend, falling to his knees and burying his face into the sheep's wool. Ranboo and Purpled exchange glances and walk over, enclosing Tubbo into a hug as the three teens mourn the loss of their fourth. it shouldn't have had to be this way. The world had been left in the hands of children too young to handle it.

"He left letters," Techno spoke up, retrieving the chest and bundle of letters. "I found them in a chest at Logstedshire. We were informed by a note to ensure that these were delivered."

Tubbo's head shot up and Techno gently handed the teen his letter. Tubbo opened it hastily, eyes skimming it with a rushed effort but it was clear that it was hard to read. Eventually, he shoved it into Purpled and Ranboo's hands and the two other teens worked to read it in hushed whispers to Tubbo, out of hearing range from the others. Whatever Tommy wrote clearly must've devastated Tubbo further for the boy _wailed_ in anguish and sorrow, crumpling even further, holding onto the letter like it was his last lifeline.

Ranboo and Purpled took their own letters gingerly and moved aside so that Ghostbur could float over. Only, it wasn't Ghostbur. No, this apparition with a musty trenchcoat and a brown beanie was not Ghostbur. This was Wilbur and from the glare that he had given everyone, he was _not_ happy.

"Tubs?" He whispered. "Tubs, it's okay. Toms will be back for you."

Tubbo shook his head, trembling worse than a leaf. Wilbur sighed and floated down, embracing Tubbo in a hug as Techno distributed the other letters. He had already read his own on his way to L'manberg and he still doesn't know how Tommy knew that Ghostbur was only a facade of his. His brother had always been smarter than he let on.

As the others received their letters, they all had mixed reactions. Eret only gave a bittersweet smile as Fundy and Quackity both grew tight-lipped and their eyes glazed over. Jack had turned away, hiding his face. Niki's expression had gone from hatred to nostalgic to reminiscent to ashen to heartbroken. It felt like an emotional rollercoaster had just occurred. The others all varied and even Punz had reacted, the white hoodie man turning his front away to appear stoic. It would've worked had his shoulders not been shaking and his hand that held the letter trembling.

Tommy had been loved by them all and they failed him.

Techno glanced down at his communicator. He wondered why his brother didn't ask him for help but then, after reading the letter, he understood. His brother had always been selfless, perhaps too selfless, for his own good. In the end, his fatal flaw was loyalty. He was Theseus, someone that always fought for his people only to be betrayed; he was Atlas, someone who holds the world on his shoulders as a result of his actions; he is Icarus, a boy who flies too close to the sun and pays the price.

He is Tommy and he suffered.

His communicator pings and he looks down. There's a message from his old friend, a friend that he left behind to tend to his home when he had first arrived to answer his brothers' calls. He wonders why his friend is messaging him. As he reads the message, Technoblade finds himself filled with relief and dread.

"Tommy's safe," He murmurs quietly.

The others turn to him. Tubbo speaks up. "What?"

"Tommy's safe," Techno repeats. "Although I can't say the same for the rest of us."

"You're not making any sense," Fundy grumbles.

Techno sighs and runs a hand through his hair. He should've seen this coming. "Tommy's safe but other than Tubbo, Purpled, and Ranboo, the rest of us are going to be going through hell."

He opens his eyes, his ruby eyes filled with nostalgia and memories and slight amusement.

"It appears that the Bay is back in business."

Some are confused but others, others _know_ what that means and they pale. Memories of SMP Earth are rushing to the forefront. They remember the boys that Tommy had called his sworn brothers, the boys that always followed Tommy, their leader, around the world, causing chaos here and there.

Eret remembers how terrifying Bitzel can be, right next to Tommy as they lead the charge into the battlefield whenever necessary. In certain instances, the former king is absolutely _positively_ sure that Bitzel might be more aggressive than Tommy himself.

Jack remembers how Luke had aimed a glare at him that promised torture and death if he had hurt Tommy; he is no fool, he understands the message clear as day. He winces slightly at the memory and he swears that Luke is a terror hidden behind a mask of friendliness and indifference.

Connor remembers Wisp and he wishes that he didn't. Wisp had been terrifying and he was the silent general that contrasted Bitzel's boisterous nature on the battlefield. When Wisp had joined the Antarctic Empire only to leave afterward, Connor knew that the bay's bond was too hard to defeat.

Purpled remembers the rumors of Business Bay and how they went to war with the Antarctic Empire and survived. He smiles at the memory; he misses the times when things were easier. Tubbo remembers how he had a friendly rivalry with Business Bay that became a long-lasting bond afterward. He cries silently and prays that the others forgive him.

Phil remembers the time of the Antarctic Empire versus Business Bay, the ultimate showdown that ended in a betrayal and a loss. Albeit Wisp and the others had made up, Phil bitterly recalls Tommy's heartbroken expression. Just how many times has the boy been betrayed now?

Techno remembers the mentor that Tommy had picked up during his time with Business Bay, one of Techno's old friends known as Time Deo. Deo was always kind, funny, and he never failed to display a front of kindness. Yet, Techno knew, he fucking _knew_ , that Deo and the others would go _lengths_ to protect Tommy.

The bay was a business, after all, and it just so happened that it was a business that treasured each other above all else.

Considering what the Dream SMP's members had done to Tommy, it was definite that the bay would be coming after them. If you messed with one member of the bay, you're messing with all of them.

> **Time Deo to you [Today, XX:XX]:** what the fuck did you do to tommy

* * *

On a lonely island, there's a teen that hums to himself while hoe-ing the potato fields. The lands of the Hypixel realm are endless and these sprawling potato fields are no exception. He slams the hoe into the ground again, exhaling in slight exhaustion. The portal to the main area is hardly used these days by anyone other than him. His friend is still off at some faraway land and so, he tends to these fields in his friend's stead.

As he takes a break, he sips on water from his water bottle and reminisces. He wonders how his brothers are doing. Last he heard, Wilbur had died. They had been good friends and Wilbur had been kind; he wonders how Wilbur died. Luke was off doing another project and he saw Bitzel time-to-time in the practice arenas. Wisp, whilst having reconciled with their group, was always busy. He was lonely.

Well...there was one more, one that he missed more than anyone else. He wonders if his treasured brother is alright. He hopes that his brother is alright and alive; he doesn't know what'd he do if he wasn't.

The portal shines and the sounds grow louder and his hand drifts warily to his sword. His communicator pings and he glances down and he feels his breath stutter. He whips his head back up and there's a body coming through the portal. His friend, his light, their leader, his _brother_ is stepping through the portal.

_(It's not right; his brother is so thin and so pale and the light has faded from his eyes but he's alive. It's not right but they'll be alright, or so he hopes. Oh gods, what happened to his brother?)_

He dashes forward, the hoe clattering to the side, communicator falling onto the ground. Briefly, he wonders if his other brothers had known about this, if any of his brothers had reached out. He hadn't and _hell_ , he regretted it.

He runs forward and meets the other teen halfway, the two of them falling into a long-awaited hug of limbs and tears and joy and _warmth_.

"You're here," he breathes out, "you're actually here. Oh, gods, what happened?!"

The other teen takes a shaky breath and lifts his emaciated arms to hug him back. "...hey Deo. It's been a while."

**TommyInnit has joined the game.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Thank you for reading. Suicide and abuse and self-harm and other topics were consistently mentioned in this fic but both R and Eci would like to say: you matter. You are more amazing, brilliant, fantastic, and worth it than you think. You're all lovely people and keep staying strong. You're all so brave and we support you all with your journeys!~ <3**
> 
> * * *
> 
> Thank you all very much for following me on this journey through this fic! It was a lot of fun writing it and I projected quite a bit, I must say. Specifically, for this chapter, I made an analysis over on my Tumblr! You can check it out [here](https://ecinue-unicorn.tumblr.com/post/641794066712035328/oneirataxia-chap6-analysis)!
> 
> (You guys can thank and blame [jello](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jello12451/pseuds/jello12451) for this. They made me cry with their Music Conservatory fic so I speedran this in retaliation. Legit, if I didn't get that sudden motivation, this chapter wouldn't be out for another two weeks. _The Google Docs outline was 2 pages long; it's a long chapter...._ )
> 
> Thank you to R for being such a lovely co-author and helping me through Twitter DM's when I get slammed with writer's block. Thank you to the readers (that's you guys! <3) for staying with me through this entire fic! Thank you to AO3 for letting me publish this on a platform and thank you to MCYT fandom for existing!
> 
> I sound like I'm saying goodbye. I'm not, I swear, I still have MCYT fics planned. I just might start writing my own fic out of experimental curiosity.
> 
> (Also, I'm sorry for my absolute poopy update schedule. I don't know how R manages to be such a model student while cramming fics. Ya girl Eci here is _struggling_. maybe it's cause all I've been doing is playing League of Legends...)
> 
> My next fic will be more pain. Love you all!~ (Might take me a bit; it's a little long.)

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoy~~
> 
> Eci’s Twitter: [@ecinue_unicorn](https://twitter.com/ecinue_unicorn)  
> Eci’s Tumblr: [@ecinue-unicorn](https://ecinue-unicorn.tumblr.com/)  
> R’s Twitter: [@Rose12610](https://twitter.com/Rose12610)  
> R’s Tumblr: [@alwaysananxiousmess](https://alwaysananxiousmess.tumblr.com/)  
> 


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